On the Half Shell – Living in the Raw

I feel like a bruised reed lately. And my wick is certainly not burning as brightly as I’d like. I’m weary. Bone tired. But I know HE sustains me. And I feel joy. Truly. JOY.

The weariness comes from the joy of my two baby boys. They provide me a purpose. A meaning. A reason to keep going when I’m tired. And as tired a I am, GOD keeps me going. Keeps me doing.

But at nightfall, when I finally sit and slow down, I realize I am exhausted. I go to bed early. I feel guilty about that for B, but he is understanding and loving about it. I sleep- usually not well, but it’s sleep nonetheless. And I wake up just as the alarm is going off to start again.

I used to plan out what I was going to do every day, to no avail. It never seemed to pan out, and I would be anxious about all the things I didn’t get done. The Good Lord(and Bruce Smith) have helped me to see that It IS OKAY, and that it just doesn’t matter. My days are full of laughter, love, some frustration, some crying. No. Not me. At least not usually :). It’s good. It’s ALL good – HE is good.

Isaiah 42:3 says, “a bruised reed he will not break, and a faintly burning wick he will not quench”… YES. My GOD sustains me. Today I am going to do my compost trash can, paint my desk, clean out the toy box and reconquer my Prayer Pit.

Where is that laughter coming from? It’s getting louder, and it’s not Miller. Ohhhhh. Wait. Hey, God.

Eucharisteo. February 8, 2023

My MillerMan woke early – around 5, Came downstairs, crashing through the old fire screen we keep at the foot of the stairs to try to keep dogs and babies from climbing up stairs when we aren’t aware. He couldn’t go to sleep but wasn’t ready to get up. FInally took him to his little mama and we have not hear another peep. 🙂 B insisted I come back to bed to try to get a little more rest. I tried. I was comfortable, but the Lord was calling me. I thought He was calling me to arise and study and talk to HIM, but he was calling for the sunrise. Yes. The sunrise. I have discovered over the last few days why it seems that winter sunrise, and I’m sure sunset, are so much more beautiful. It’s the trees. Not the evergreens, but all the others. They become transparent as glass for the sunrise in all its glory. So I sit, and I wait.

As I lay there trying to go back to sleep, I asked God to tell me.To tell me if I was to stay in bed – in that warm, comfortable bed, with B by my side and try to rest, or if He was ready for me to get up. And He did. In His soft, gentle way. I’m so glad He called.

Eucharisteo.

February 4, 2023

I lit the fireplace this morning. The heat was on, but I just felt as though I needed the extra warmth. And besides, I like the glow in the den while the house is still quiet and at peace. As the fire cast shadows on the ceiling as the ceiling fan turned (yes, I am that person who runs the ceiling fan regardless of the time of year or the temperature), a thought came to mind. Although there is cold and there are dark shadows around us, light is light. HIS light. HE is there. HIS light is there for us – to bask in – to warm in. HE is HERE. EUCHARISTEO.

Lighting that fire this morning was a reminder of how HIS word has lit my fire. I hunger for it. I ache for it. I wake during the night thinking that I will soon be able to rise and begin anew with HIM.

I recently purchased a bag of whole bean coffee at TJ Maxx (ahhhh my fave). I loved the packaging, AND it is bourbon infused. I mean what could be better than bourbon infused coffee. AM I RIGHT??? However, I did not have, in my possession, a coffee grinder. So the coffee purchase then led to the purchase of a coffee grinder. (See yesterday’s post about constantly having the need for MORE when I absolutely do NOT NEED A THING MORE – Jesus, take the wheel). Since my purchase a few weeks ago, I grind myself some for my mid-morning cup, and I will have a teaspoon or so left that I put into a sweet little container with a wood lid that my precious daddy turned for me years ago. But it’s never enough to make another cup. ANYWAY, for my first two cups of coffee during my early morning quiet time, I like Folgers 1850. To my disdain this morning, I was OUT, which meant that if I wanted coffee that I would have to grind some. Now here’s the thing. It’s 5:20AM. NOONE but me is awake. I don’t WANT anyone but me awake. HMMMM. Do I stomp on the coffee beans like grapes like in the LUCY show all those years ago? The grinder will certainly wake the Little Man, and I am not ready for him. Not just yet. If I take the grinder to the laundry room, it will echo through the house. No. That won’t work. So, I grab the coffee and the grinder and head into the garage. But again, it will echo in there and reverberate through the house just like the garage door opener. SO. I gather my things, head into the storage room off the garage, flip on the light, move all sorts of stuff out of the way (again – see the post about having too much stuff already), find a plug in and grind away. Today, I’m smart enough to grind some extra – enough to fill up my sweet little container. I quietly leave the storage room, tiptoe through the garage to the back door (like if they didn’t hear the grinder, they’re not going to hear my tiptoeing, but whatever). To my delight, apparently no one has heard a peep.

FEBRUARY 1, 2023

^{I AM YOUR STRENGTH AND SHIELD . I plan out each day and have it ready for you long before you arise from bed. I also provide the strength you need each step of the way. Instead of assessing your energy level and wondering about what’s on the road ahead, concentrate on staying in touch with Me. My Power flows freely into you through our open communication. Refuse to waste energy worrying, and you will have strength to spare. (JESUS CALLING Jan. 31)}

WOW. What a wonderful thing! If only I would remember that upon waking during all hours of the night or early morning in angst of what may lie ahead. I have gotten better about when waking up with worries, to just “give them to God and go back to sleep”. Sometimes it is harder than others. I have also learned that when I have disturbing/bizarre/crazy dreams, to just say “JESUS”. It is utterly dumbfounding how HE comes to my rescue.

I don’t know why we make life so hard. Not that GOD promises no troubles or an easy time of it always, but HE is always here, and always has better days ahead for us. All the day to day little hassles do not amount to an ant hill in HIS grand scheme. YET – Currently siting here thinking about bills that are about to be drafted and wringing my hands about how many days it will be until the next paycheck. Goodness gracious, Julie. STOP IT. I am sitting here in a beautiful home, surrounded by THINGS I love and am comforted by, while there are people – CHILDREN – all across the globe who are cold, hungry, in need. All of this means nothing. Nothing without GOD. All of this matters not – not in the least. I need to find contentment. Contentment in the here and now. Contentment in what I have. I don’t need a thing. ONLY JESUS. Yet I always want for more. One more piece of furniture to redo. One more pillow. One more piece of cookware. One more plant. When and where does it stop? And WHY? Why do I want for more? Is it boredom? Is it emptiness? I truly don’t feel empty. My heart is full. Full of love for and from, my family. My precious family. My friends. THE LOVE OF GOD. So why isn’t all of it enough? SO much to ponder and pray about.

I guess it’s just wintertime, which I do love, but I cannot seem to get enough sleep. I feel like a big ole “bar” (as Teeter on Yellowstone would say) that just needs to hibernate until Spring. Except that I don’t want to miss the things that winter brings. Coffee tastes better. Hot chocolate. Boots. Long cardigans. LEGGINGS – ahhh leggings. SOUPS! STEWS! That reminds me – I need to make some chicken and dumplins sometime soon.

It’s quiet this morning. Cade is napping, and Miller is at preschool. Dogs are all sleeping, as well has HankCat. Just me, my coffee and my thoughts…so many things – so many hopes, dreams and PRAYERS. I used to not like being alone, but I have found true appreciation for it. Time to slow down. Time to think. Time to reflect. Time to REST in the fact that HE gets me. HE knows me. I belong to HIM. True PEACE. And JOY. Despite any troubles or concerns there may be. HE is always there. Always waiting for me and you to come to HIM.

EUCHARISTEO

1/31/23

JANUARY 29, 2023

Bird watching is one of my favorite things to do. I guess i get that from Mama. I can’t really “bird watch”. I can’t really see them, but i know they are there. I can see movement in my feeders and their movements as they fly to and from the magnolia tree to the little courtyard off the patio where our feeders hang. They are very busy this morning. The weather is supposed to be nasty for a few days – heavy rain.

But there they are. PREPARING. Preparing for the weather, filling up on the seeds and grains that GOD has provided them through nature and through humans like me. I am always preparing as well. Preparing meals. Preparing for company. Preparing for next week’s Bible study. Always planning. Always preparing. I think perhaps that my focus should be more on preparing for what it important. Preparing my hear and mind for the hearing of Jesus. For the recognition of every blessing when it comes. PROPER PREPARATION. Like that of John the Baptist who prepared the way for our LORD and SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST. Let my hear ad mind be a flurry of activity preparing for Jesus in my everyday life, just like my precious little birds.

EUCHARISTEO

My mind is racing this morning trying to get these thoughts and mindless ramblings down on paper. I struggle with focus and concentration when I read my morning devotional and when I pray. Ive started, as I settle into my chair, with coffee in hand, to ask GOD to “clear the mechanism”, as Kevin Costner did in one of my favorite movies, “For Love of the Game”… As he steps to the mound and before he pitches, he tells himself to “clear the mechanism” so that he can focus on THE PITCH, THE BATTER and not the crowd or a million others things that could cross his mind. Mine is different, though, as I am asking HIM to clear my mind of meaningless thoughts so that I can hear HIM. Hear what HE has to say to me today. This morning, as I asked HIM to do so, and I opened JESUS CALLING, the words jumped out: WHENEVER YOUR MIND WANDERS, LASSO THOSE THOUGHTS AND BRING THEM INTO MY PRESENCE.

See? HE KNOWS. HE KNOWS ME. HE KNOWS I AM WEAK. HE KNOWS MY MIND IS WEAK. Yet HE is THERE. HE is HERE. WITH ME. ALWAYS. ALL THE TIME.

EUCHARISTEO. Blessings. Thanksgiving. Thankfulness. Such peace. Such joy. Even when there are terrible things going on all around us, there HE is. JOY. EUCHARISTEO.

B and I began watching The Chosen recently/ The third season is out now and we are caught up with all episodes. It is very very good,and I love the portrayal of JESUS. When I pray, and when I talk to Jesus, I see the face of the young man who plays him in the show. Maybe that’s not right – I don’t know, but it brings me comfort and a feeling of true relationship. Maybe that’s even a worse thing to say. If it is, i pray God will forgive me and understand that human weakness. I’m certain HE does.

I use the JESUS CALLING devotional currently, and have read it off and on over the years. I love it, and it always seems to speak to me at just the right time, as in “Jesus is calling”…but I wanted something else…something else to add to my daily worship. I found the devotional called THE CHOSEN-40 DAYS WITH JESUS. My sweet and brilliant friend, Rachel, also told me about a book she is reading by Ann Voskamp called, ONE THOUSAND GIFTS. Another precious friend of mine, Kim, had given me this book a number of years ago, and i started it (only got a few pages in), and for some reason, didn’t finish. Rachel was talking about how wonderful it is and how she had immersed herself in it. I downloaded the Audible (cause I can’t see the book) and started listening. I don’t listen every day, and when I do,, it might be 1/2 a chapter. But that has allowed me to really marinate on her words.

Now, back to THE CHOSEN devotional. I have been on DAY 1 for almost a week now. In my “advanced years”, I am learning to not just move on to the next day or next page just for the sake of being “caught up” or where I need to be in a book or lesson. I’m stuck – immobilized – trying to answer the question at the end of DAY 1. The lesson is about HIS knowing and calling us BY NAME. And how HE does the same with us as he did with the disciples and Mary Magdalene. He saw past their “Before”, ushering them into who they “would be”. The first question at the end of the lesson is as follows: “what parts of your before has HE redeemed, and which are you most grateful for?”

So. Here I sit. Days later. HAVE I been redeemed from my “before”. WHAT/WHO was my before? I don’t have an answer. I know i am a work in progress. Maybe I’m still in my before. Maybe I have not been redeemed yet. I know HE loves me. I know I am HIS. I know HE knows my name, the color of my eyes, the number of hairs on my head. So why can’t i answer the question? I still have so many challenges: impulsive at times, impatient at times, not a good steward of the gifts HE PROVIDES, unkind at times. The list could go on and on – so long a list that it is depressing. So I pray – Lord, please forgive me. Heal my brokenness, my weaknesses.

Do I try to do too much to please? Lord knows I already know the answer to that question. But why?Is it that I want approval? Love? Appreciation? Or just because I simply like to make others happy? I know in my heart that it is the latter. But I also know that I crave approval, and I also know that that is a weakness and a character flaw. It’s something Ive tried to work on over my trips around the sun, but i do not seem to be getting any better at it.

I should simply care about how HE sees me. HE loves me in spite of my flaws, ugliness and weaknesses. Instead of trying so hard to please others, I should focus only on pleasing HIM, which in turn, blesses those around me. It is so stinking simple…

I was complaining today about something I should not have been, or at least not in the manner that I was.

I began to receive a “lecture” about being more patient with this particular circumstance in my life. This, of course, did not go over well with me. I continued to rant and was told to STOP. I then replied that I would NOT be lectured to and proceeded to say some things that while maybe were true, were not necessary. I was looked in the eye and told, “Every time someone says something to you about something hurtful or wrong that you are doing doesn’t mean you have to go on the attack of that person.” I’ve been thinking about that a lot.and why I do it. I don’t have an answer, but I’m praying on it.

Ive decided it’s a defense mechanism as a result of pride. Of being “right” , regardless. I am continuing to pray for redemption of this terrible part of my character.

But is it? Is it really? Right here. Right now, it is. I’m having my coffee time. I’ve had my JESUS CALLING time. It’s peaceful. No one is up yet. I love this time of the morning. Oh how I wish this season of Advent could be like this…not rushed. Not chaotic. So, I’m trying to take it all in on these early mornings.each advent season, I always have so many th8ngs I want to do with my family…for. Y family s d others. Yet there never seems to be enough time. But I guess the thing is, that I’m always with them. Doing for them and vice versa. I guess that IS the point, is t it.

It’s been a hard week with the passing of Coach Mike Leach. Life is just so fragile. It changes in a split second. Don’t wait. Dont’t put off. DO IT NOW. Whatever the “it” is.