On the Half Shell – Living in the Raw

It’s 5:45 AM. I’ve been awake for quite a while. I suppose most people enjoy their birthday. Hell, I know folks that celebrate their birthday ALL MONTH long. Yay for them! Me? Not so much. Not since Mama died 21 years ago. I always miss her more on this day. After all, she gave me life. A life that was not supposed to ever be, because she didn’t think she’d have ANY children, much less two.

Today’s birthday is even harder. I find myself, at 57, in a place where I’m caught between who I am supposed to be and who I want to be. Things are just hard. Life is hard. Marriage is currently harder. Isn’t it supposed to be easy by now?

Well, I have both grandangel boys down for morning naps. Was enjoying a nice cup of coffee, and I remembered this little blog project. See? I told ya I had a hard time sticking with things like this. But honestly, I think this helps my clear my mind. I’m sitting here listening to the dryer spin towels round and round and thinking about how the world just keeps spinning round and round despite all the bad things that are happening in the world. Last Friday, a young wife/mother/teacher from Memphis was jogging early that morning before school —like she does most mornings. She was an avid runner/training for a marathon. She was abducted and brutally murdered – God only knows what else happened to her during the time she was with her evil kidnapper. He had been arrested previously for kidnapping and was freed from prison early for some stupid reason. I know you can’t judge a book by its cover, but in his pictures, he looks MEAN and EVIL. I cannot imagine the horror her family has gone through and will continue to live through. The has two young sons…it just makes me sick. I have not been sleeping well, and I believe it’s because she is on my mind. I think about my own two precious daughters and how they are always out and about running errands by themselves, and I think about Meggie, Katelyn, Casey, Allison, Caitlyn, KJ, Katie Grace, Madison, Kelli, Joy’s daughters, Britny and Hope and just ALL of the young girls I know who are just out there trying to make a living, take care of business and themselves and their families. I just worry about all of them. I have put them all in God’s hands and at the foot of the cross for HIM to look after. Yet, I am still overwhelmed with fear thinking about them being out alone.

Even though it’s a bright, beautiful, sunny day, it feels almost sinister. Like there is always something evil out there just waiting to pounce. Just like this new show that is coming out via Disney/FX called “Little Demon”…its about the Devil, the antichrist (who is female), and a whole host of other stuff I don’t even want to think about. It’s designed for adults, but it’s a cartoon, so naturally kids are going to be curious and most likely drawn to it. I just cannot think of a soul I know that would want to watch such filth. It’s just disturbing. The whole world right now is disturbing. The US political garbage is disturbing. The Dept of Justice is disturbing. The FBI is disturbing. I don’t know how these people sleep at night. Hell. I can’t sleep at night. When I’m playing in the floor with the boys, the world seems so sweet and so simple. Yet, it’s just NOT. Yes, there is sweetness and goodness in the world. I see it every day. But there is also so much evil. Maybe it’s not any worse today than in all the centuries before…maybe it’s just that we are bombarded with all the bad via the news. I try, oftentimes, to just be an ostrich, but then I feel like I’m out of the loop and have not clue of local or world events. It’s a delicate balance between knowing what you need to know and being consumed and obsessed with it all.

WOW. I had no idea that a cup of coffee, both boys sleeping and a few minutes alone was going to lead to all this gloom and doom. I apologize for that. Just trying to keep it real and “IN THE RAW”. Till next time, peace and blessings.

I don’t mean to be the way I am, but yet I don’t seem to have the “whatever” to change it. Maybe I don’t want to bad enough. I tend to start things and not follow through, or get bored. Like my garden for instance. I decided I’d plant a garden – some tomatoes, cucumbers, squash, peppers, etc. It was all fine and good and exciting…till the Mississippi hell-hot summer began. I didn’t want to tend to it, didn’t want to water it, etc. But it was fun while it lasted, and I did learn that I CAN do it, if I choose to. Maybe next summer. Then there’s this blogging thing. I was all into it, made one post, and poof. That was it. But here I am again, trying once again. Although I’m not sure why, because I don’t know who is GOING to read it, much less who is going to WANT to read it. But I shall plow (no pun intended) forward.

I am missing my MillerMan baby this week. He is with his daddy this week. On a happy note, though, he is staying with his wonderful “babysitter”, Mrs. Marion. Mrs. Marion has been a GOD send. A true angel. JamieLyn found her last year, and our MillerMan LOVES her and she loves and treats her as one of her own. She keeps several children in her home. When Miller is with his dad this summer (every other week), she keeps him. She is so good to send me videos and pictures of him. His Grandaddy B and I don’t get to talk to him while he’s at his dad’s, unless we happen to be around when his mama has him on the phone. He will be back home Sunday, and this JuJu cannot wait. I do get tired, but I’m so much happier when he is here with us.

Have I mentioned that we currently have FIVE dogs in our home? Three have always lived here – Tobie, Bryant and Nala. The other two moved in when Jamie Lyn and Miller moved back here with us – Kevin and Pongo. Oh, and we also have a cat named Hank. JamieLyn named all but one of these animals. Tobie was named by his mama, Jourdan AKA Sissie. It’s cra cra around here most days and seriously chaotic, but here we are, living the life the GOOD LORD gave us and thankful for it.

For some reason, I just feel a bit lonesome today. Which is seriously crazy, with BabyCade (Sissie and Christian’s baby) and five dogs and a cat. But I am having one of those weeks where I miss being able to get out and go places. But again, if I could do that, I’d be working and not keeping my precious grandangel boys. Oh how I love to rock my itty bitty boy. I could hold him and let him nap in my lap all day long. Oh such sweetness.

There are so many things I’d like to do and work on – yet I don’t seem to stay focused (as per my ramblings earlier in this post). I feel like my mind is in 2000 places all at once and constantly spinning backwards, sideways, every whichaway. It’s exhausting. I blame it on menopause most days. IT’S A KILLER, BY THE WAY. I’m battling the signs and scars of aging, and not well, I might add. B likes to remind me that being alive and 57 is better than the alternative.

I have just opened up a new world to myself with this blog. I really have no plan or method to what I intend to write about, other than I think I would like to get my daily ramblings about life, faith, marriage and family, cooking, sports, politics etc. “down on paper”.

I am almost 57, married for almost 34 years to a wonderful man who’d keeps me happy and laughing, have two precious daughters, two even more precious “grandangel” boys, 3 dogs (actually 5, but I’ll get into that later) and a cat. I was born in, and lived and loved, in the DEEP SOUTH my entire life, and I will NOT apologize for that, regardless of what your opinions might be. Outside of Jesus and my family, I love Mississippi State University, music, cocktails (partaking AND mixing), cooking, decorating and the beach.

I lost my mama to breast cancer in 2001, and miss her and think of her every day. I am blessed to still have my daddy – he is my backyard neighbor here in the neighborhood…he will be 92 in October. I also have the BEST big brother EVER. He is 6 years older, lives here in town and is the smartest man I know (I think he knows that too :). He is currently at the beach with his lady friend and some other friends, and I am TOTES JELLY about it, but I’m glad they are off having a grand time.

My best friends are but a few, and I love them fiercely. One of them has been with me since 1984 in college, another since about 2011, and the third for a little over a year. I. Don’t know what I would do without any of them. My Sharon, my very best friend and confidante, has been living in Colorado for a couple of years and will be moving back in just a few weeks – she will only be a couple of hours from me – AND I CANNOT WAIT. Deborah and I became friends our freshman year at Mississippi State University (most likely known from here on out as “STATE”). Joy and I became friends last summer – she is my son-in-love’s stepmother. They are all so so precious to me. Then I have a few more really close friends that I don’t see or talk to often but I always know they are there—some of which I have had for 50+ years.

On another note, in late 2018, I was diagnosed with advanced glaucoma and had suffered major optic nerve damage. After several surgeries on both eyes over the next year, the ongoing nerve damage was slowed to the point that I would not become totally blind, but the damage was done, and the surgeries, while successful, left me in a constant state of, what I call, “non-focus”. In other words, if you checked my vision for a glasses prescription this morning, by the afternoon or even sometimes just a couple of hours later, would be completely different. Thus, I was declared legally blind and unable to perform my normal job functions. I went on disability and had to give up a job that I truly loved, working with folks I loved even more. All that being said, I handle the “day-to-day” fine within my own home. I used to love to read, but now I just have audio books. Texting is extremely difficult so I use my iPad, and I am very slow.

ALL OF THAT BEING SAID, I AM SO VERY BLESSED!!