On the Half Shell – Living in the Raw

I recently decided to go through counseling to discover what is holding me back and for the feelings of angst that have been strangling me over the past months. Truth be told, It has been more than the past months. It has been coming on for a long while now. But I think the past few months have exacerbated the feelings of sadness, resentment and the like. Yet there are days that I am gloriously happy and fulfilled.

I was asked to explore these questions: who am I; what do I need and what do I want. And finally, how will I/can I refine myself.

To Redefine myself, I first must define myself in the present. So here goes. First and foremost, I am a Christian. Jesus Christ is my savior. I am JuJu, Mama, a wife, a “little sister”, a daughter and a friend. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my family – especially my grandbabies. I do not have a lot of close friends, but the ones I have are family to me. If I befriend someone new, or someone new befriends me, if it clicks, I am ALL IN. That person becomes part of my family. I “fall in love” with people quickly and become attached quickly. I love hard. I take on the happiness and the sorrows and troubles of those I love. Sometimes that is a problem as my emotions become overwhelmed.

I love any and all things tailed and 4 legged, and birds. I love to have folks in my home; I love to entertain them and show them hospitality. I love to make people feel welcome and loved. I love good food, good bourbon and good company and music. Lots and lots of music. I love Mississippi State University sports. I love to dance – didn’t say I CAN – said I love to. I believe that I am funny – actually, I think I am hilarious. 🙂

I love the early morning before anyone wakes up. I love coffee in the quiet at my kitchen table waiting to hear nature wake up. I love hats. I love boots – cowboy boots. I love black clothing but I also love unusual clothing. So. Who does all of these things make me? Hell if I know. I don’t know how to define me in the present.

What do I need? GOD, my family which includes my friends, my animals, TO BE HEARD ( note I did not say “understood”, as I do believe there to be parts of me that “they” cannot understand), and I need to feel like I am doing all I can or within in my power to help those around me. I need to learn and accept that others will not have the same emotion/passion that I have for a particular being, subject, etc.

What do I want? First and foremost, I want my children, which includes my sons-in-love, and my grandbabies to know and trust Jesus as their Lord and Savior. This is my most important WANT – in fact, it may be a NEED. I want to take a yoga class – I am working on this one now – just have to figure out some transportation and times. I want my home to be a place of peace and joy for all.. Warm – inviting – full of fun, laughter and good food. And for the most part, I believe that it is. I want to find the time to get back to being a great pianist and becoming adept at the guitar – limitations are time and vision. I want to write. Something that someone wants to read. Stories? Tales? True life? Not sure how to go about that. I COULD “put my blog out there” – but it is just ramblings of my thoughts.

BIG want? I want a farm where I can raise quail and have a few cows and a donkey or two. With simple, but beautiful plants and flowers. We actually HAVE the place – we just don’t live there and we don’t have the animals. So I suppose that dream could be realized, and at one time, that was the plan, until my babies had babies. But for now, I want to be close to them so that they can come to JuJu whenever they want or need.

The thing here is to determine what of these wants and needs can I control/work on/develop. And the rest? Leave it to God? Leave it to chance? What do I do in the meantime?

If I can’t define myself in the present, how am I to Redefine myself? Honestly, I think I have failed this assignment. I don’t know any more about defining or redefining myself now than I did 5 days ago. Let’s hope I don’t get in trouble with the headmaster of The Life School.