On the Half Shell – Living in the Raw

I looked back this morning, and found this “gem” that I wrote a while back..I am happy to be working on it day by day…

Every.Single.Day. I seem to have too many lessons that I have yet to learn or that I did not learn properly. I was reading this morning about Marianne Williamson’s (no I am not familiar with her) partaking in A COURSE IN MIRACLES and the book she wrote in response to her experience in the course. It got me thinking that tomorrow, I will be 59 years old. How am I still learning lessons I should have learned long ago? I guess that is the point – “should have”. Why didn’t I? Why haven’t I?

I have longings. Yearnings. Yet, I don’t know what my direction or path is. Is it too late? Again, I am almost 59. Shouldn’t I already know the path? Am I on the path now? Did I leave the path? Did I never find the path? I have distinct likes and dislikes, yet I can also be easily swayed at times. Who am I? What am I about? Why the continuing struggle of who and what I am supposed to be? Maybe I am to simply be a wife, mother and grandmother. But if that is the case, should I still want and long for more? Where is my downfall on the other things I would like to achieve? Is it money? Is it lack of resolve? Is it lack of know how? Yes, I know the power and importance of prayer, but do I really know HOW? Maybe I am praying the wrong prayer, as I read in the Simple Abundance reading for November 13. How do I shift my focus, and to what/where do I shift? I feel like I need some deep soul searching (what is that anyway, and how do you search?), but where would I make the time, and how can I do that here, in this home with so many things going on around me all the time. Things that I dearly love – my babies, my children, my pets, my BRUCE. It suddenly dawned on me that perhaps the best place to start is to “unplug”. Unplug from social media where everything appears lovely and sublime, save from a few pages I follow that the author/creator lets you in on THE REAL. Maybe, just maybe, that would make me focus on the nitty gritty, the things that I really need to do — like organize the freezers, reorganize closets, etc. But DAMN. IS that REALLY all I am supposed to be? Maybe it is. Maybe I am simply looking in the wrong places. I HAVE prayed about it. Again, maybe I am praying the wrong prayer. How shall I rephrase it?